I really hate when people say to be careful what you pray for. If youre not willing to accept the challenge to become a better follower of Christ, then you need to take a long hard look into your heart, because something is not right.
People normally say that when talking about Patience, ”Because” they say, ”God will find a way to give you patience.”
Heaven forbid we ever learn patience, then we might have to actually be like Jesus called us to be. Anyway, on to the point.
I find it funny and see Gods humor when I pray for more ”selfish” things and get either a ”Nope” or silence. But the second I pray for something completely not fun, and not the slightest bit selfish, He answers it within hours of the prayer being spoken.
Yesterday morning, I woke up from a deep slumber on an dipped in cot and sleeping bag. As I do every morning before camp begins, I read a passage in my Bible and began to journal my prayers, thoughts, and hopes for the day. When I was coming to close (as in running out of time), I wrote ”Lord, break my heart today. Give me a divine moment when I remember why Im here.”
He did.
The day continued as normal. We had our Super Hero warm up, then breakfast. We had club, morning activity rotations, lunch, free time, dinner, etc. On Thursday night we have a big prayer time where we, the leaders, pray over our team and sometimes other children we connected with throughout the week.
Being the good follower of directions that I am, I prayed over each of my kids. Praying that God would raise up a family for them to love them unconditionally and lead them to Gods throne. Praying that they themselves would feel Gods love and mercy, etc.
I began to walk back to the tent where the rest of camp had already begun to congregate, but was stopped by a 16-year-old girl, Claudia. Hours earlier, during our scavenger hunt in which we sprint up a straight incline Mountain of a hill, this girl was driving me absolutely crazy. My only interactions with her was of her acting like she was tearing out my heart, which is part of a skit Im in that happens every Wed. night.
Claudia was not on my team and we hadnt really had any previous conversations, but for some reason she wanted me to pray over her. So I did.
When I prayed over my group, I didnt use a translator. But Claudia wanted to know what I was praying over her, so we brought along my wonderful translator from the week, Oana. I prayed all the same things over her that I had prayed over the other children, not that it was any less sincere, but my prayer is for all of the children to find families to love them and for them to grow up to be Godly parents who love and care for their children.
When I finished my prayer, Claudia told me that she loves to answer questions and that she wanted me to ask her anything at all. So I did.
I asked her how long she had been in the orphanage. She said her mother dropped her off at Luduce when she and her twin sister were 3-years-old and her younger brother, who she is currently separated from, was 2. When her father died, she was not allowed to go to his funeral. Their birthdays were never celebrated and they never had enough food. She explained to me that she was only allowed to shower on certain days of the week and from 12-4 pm the children were to be in their beds at all times. They werent even allowed to use the bathroom.
Her mom dropped her off at Luduce 13 years ago, and as Claudia said, she has never even checked to see if her children are still alive. She explained to me that she does see her moms side of the family. And when she sees them all she sees is a family of strangers who are all happy with their lives and couldnt care less about hers. ”Candy can only love you so much,” she said.
She stayed in Luduce for 10 years and has now been in a new home with a different mother for 3 years. She and her sister moved into this new home once Luduce was shut down for the maltreatment of children.
I asked her about how her life is now that she is in the different home compared to what is was then. She said that it is much better now. That her house mother actually tries to act like a mother to them. When it is there birthday or any other celebration time, they receive presents. She continued to share with me how much better her life is in the new home, which makes my heart happy. But when the list was finished, she added, ”Although all these things are good, they dont take place of your own mom, your own dad, your own brothers, and your own sisters.”
During orientation, we were told that if we werent prepared to hear about the suffering that these children face, then we didnt need to ask. Because once you ask, they will tell you, and youve got to be able to handle it.
I held in my tears for as long as Claudia spoke. However, the second she walked out of that tent and went to bed, the flood gates opened wide. I could hardly breathe through all the pain I felt in my heart. How could someone feel so little compassion and love for such a beautiful and precious gift? This thought process was far beyond me. I cant come to grips with it. I cant make sense of it, no matter how hard I try.
My prayer is that we stop asking the easy questions and start asking the questions that make us cringe. The questions that make our hearts roll into knots. Ask for a broken heart and the Lord will provide.
Never be careful about what you pray for.
